As I've said before, I have one goal in my life; and that is to write a book that I have wanted to write for about a year now. I know exactly where I want to direct it, what characters I want to use, what I want to get out of it, so why is it that I am having the hardest time just writing it?
I was freaking out the other day as I was trying to write this mess. I didn't know where to start, and when I started, I wanted to make sure I remembered everyone I was writing about correctly, so I started to drown myself in the music of the time I want to recreate, I looked at old pictures, and if that wasn't enough, I even took out an old perfume I wore at that time to try to get some sense memories. For some reason though, I still couldn't get myself to write. I was thinking that I wasn't inspired enough, so I was playing with the idea of striking up forbidden conversations with those who shared memories with me at that time. But I caught myself.
What would make me a great writer, and what makes great writers already, is the ability to recreate by past experience. One shouldn't have to resurrect the past in order to write in the present.
The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. My memories of these times are some of the most important memories and thoughts of my life. My memory and imagination are what should drive me. If I were to dive back into the past and reconnect with these people who had such a strong influence on me, then how can I write based on memory? I can't.
I suppose I realized that the past is a past for a reason. To try to resurrect old memories by bringing the past into the present would do nothing but confuse me, along with losing the memory I've done so much thinking about.
If I let this certain past become the present, then this past that has taken such a toll on me loses any credibility.
If I can just allow myself to recall past experience, then the present mindset can place it all into the correct categories. It's like looking at something from outside of the box. You can't really judge anything, any relationship, and situation that you are in, until you are able to stand outside and look in. There is no way for me to do that if I allow these memories to become present day thoughts.
I think I also become afraid of articulating these memories. What if I don't get them across in the way I remember them and see them in my head? This fear of writing is suffocating me.
How the hell did Waugh do it so well......