Go to my happy place, go to my happy place....

A Heart Full of Love

What makes me happy? Other than good music, the beach, the sun, the waves, and my friends, one person has been able to bring out a person in me I thought never existed. I know someone who has an incredible power to make people feel full of worth. He taught me how to love myself, how to love others, and how to be free.




I promise you, that somewhere underneath all of my tainted problems, behind the screwed up reactions, beneath the unforgiving exterior, there is a heart that is full of love. It's willing to love, it wants to be loved, it can love, it will love.
I was shown a glimpse of the most positive life I have ever been exposed to. I had never been so happy in my entire life, I was finally free from harm. And like I always use to say, from all good comes bad, and that is that. But recently I've noticed good does come after bad, but once the good overtakes you, the struggle starts to keep it.
I didn't want to get religious, but I'm a firm believer of evil, and the devil is strong, and the devil knows me too well. So just when I'm in a vulnerable state, the negative force pulls at me from below, and will do anything in it's power to get me to stop being happy. The fight is to say no, and since I give in so easily to darker things, I lean his way, and he wins.
I can't let him almost win again. I must remember that good sprouts from the evil, God is on MY side, God wants ME to win, to fight, to love, and to be with Him when the time comes. I somehow always lose the people I love the most, because I can never win this fight, but I'm not letting it happen anymore. I am meant to be happy. I am meant to be loved. And I'm going to do it.

I sit and watch the clocks, because I know the hour I wait for will come, you just have to wait for it.

Time.
Time collapses. But in the heat of the moment and the emotions that you feel for that matter of time seem like they will last forever. There is that feeling where you count down for the end of the week because this coming weekend there is something happening that you can't wait for. Then Friday rolls around, then Saturday...and eventually Sunday, and that weekend that you couldn't wait to come is gone. And then it happens again, an ebb and flow of excitement and disappointment.
And as I get older time seems to go by quicker, and the excitement for that moment fades faster, and you try to hold on to the moments that you want to last longer, knowing that it will be over in a blink of an eye.
But then again, when something unfortunate knocks at your door, and it seems like the end of the world, I hold my head up, and try to lessen the tears, because it's just time. And time will pass.

And we spend our time wishing we were skinnier, blonder, taller, happier; forgetting our blessings. Then our lives start to slowly destruct....

The Lighter Music in Life

Get People - Away



This is probably my favorite song at the moment. Those odd end dub and bass noises sucked me right in. I'm in a very summery chill mood, and this song is the epitome of laying on the beach and watching the waves calmly crash in.

Cranberries - Zombie



My roommate came back one weekend and would NOT stop blasting the Cranberries, so she got us all into a 90's mood and we haven't stopped playing it in here since. 'Dreams' by them always reminds me of the Karate Kid III with Hilary Swank. I swear to you they play it in that movie. Anyway, Dolores O'Riordan has one of the best voices of all time, hauntingly brilliant, she is.

Cosmo Memory - Keep the Light in Your Eyes



I don't know what it is about this song! It kind of sounds like a mix of Medic Droid and AnCo or something. The chorus is what got me, though. That slow sexy beat that drives the that smile onto your face and you think of all the happy things in your life right now. And then it wakes you up again.

Sarah Jarosz - My Muse



Ah, I found this song, in the Keys when I was with my boyfriend and his family. I was watching some Chicago tribute something or other and this girl came on and was just an absolute genius with her instruments. And her voice was unbelievable! She's young too! But there was something so passionately dark about her music, I picture her in an old Victorian house with cracked mirrors. Gorgeous.

Stephen Jerkaz feat. Leighton Meester - She Said (feat. Killabits Remix)



Lindsay sent me this song about a week ago, and oh she just knows me too well. Such a good song to do a hip hop routine too, or one to get into trouble too...if you know what I mean. And that drop 'SHE SAID'...yum yum. So then I looked up the Stephen Jerkaz to get the pic for the blog, and he's like a 14 year old emo Warp Tourian. Right? Awkward.

Currently releasing the animal in myself

ARE YOU READY // DO YOU KNOW

Oh Land - Sun of a Gun (Jacob Plant Remix)


I would just recapitulate what I wrote for another website about this song, but I won't plagiarize my own words. A guy that asked me to write a guest spot for his website (thistrack.com) sent me this song to mull over, and see if I could write something about it. As soon as I heard this song, the amount of excitement that filled up my heart exploded. Her voice! That drop! That bass! Those words! OH my, I had this song on repeat for a good week. The fact that Jacob Plant could turn such a sweet voice into something scarily bad ass is unbelievable.

Lady Gaga - Judas (R3HAB Remix)



Okay so I'm extremely hesitant to put up this song. 1: Because it's Gaga. 2: Because the first time I heard it I would have sworn if I died listening to it I would go straight to Hell. BUT, after listening to the words over and over, as much as she is making a mockery of the faith, I think there is a deep sense of understanding within the creature. She notes that Jesus is the correct virtue, but she can't pull away from sin...so it's not exactly anti Catholicism. ANYWAY, I stumbled upon this remix and I fell in love. I can't wait to hear this out (not that they would play it at any of the places I go) but if I did, I would dance my freaking ass off.

Krafty Kuts (ft. Sporty O) - Let's Go Let's Ride (Tim Healy Remix)


1,2,3, microphone check! APC, you always pull through for me. It took me a couple listens at first to get into it, but once I did, it sucked me RIGHT in. This is the best driving song in the world. Windows down, music blasting, ...kids crying in the back seat...it's wonderful!

Johnny Love - Sonora (Udachi Remix)



It's fun. I've been really into Latin/Spanish sounding music lately, considering two of my best friends are from Central America. Which makes me so sad when I have to move back north because there is NO Latin culture where I come from.

Nero - Me & You




Old, but still brilliant. My friend sent me the Phil Harmonic mash up with Nero that occurred only a couple of days ago, and it was absolutely phenomenal. There is no limit to music creation these days. First we started with Rap / Rock mash-ups and now it's Classical / Electro mash-ups. It brings a tear to my eye.

13

I just showed my roommate this movie, she had never seen it. For some reason in my high school years I used to be obsessed with this movie, but after watching it now I hope to never procreate.

The Summer Jams

Pitbull & Neyo (Produced by Afrojack) - Give me Everything (Tonight)



Sometimes a little mainstream goes a long way... But we all know why I uploaded this little club jam: Pitbull and Afrojack. It's like the music world is colliding in order to make me happy and it's totally working! Afrojack was unbelievable at Ultra Fest, and my two favorite Nicaraguans and I love any beat by him, and then...you throw Pitbull on the track?? WIN!

Devious Knights - Summer Rock Anthem (LMFAO vs The Underdog Project)



It's mainstream totally unstreamed! And the opening synth makes me SUPER excited. For imagery purposes - picture a bunch of people at the beach with nothing but smiles and good vibes flowing through everyone's dancing. This is a summer jam, get into the song, feel the music, get happy...Summer is here!!!!

Rye Rye feat. Robyn - Never Will be Mine



Well this brings the mood to a more serious tone, but I couldn't wait to put it up in a collection of its own. It's far too good to put it off. Seeing it was a Robyn song is what initially drew me to this track, but the music just blows it out of the water, and you know what, Rye Rye kills it.

Autoerotique - Freak (Sound of Stereo remix)



I remember exactly when I found this song. My roommate and I were browsing the music blogs on the interwebs and as SOON as this one we got going, we were both like HELL YEAH. We must have played it 4 times over. LISTEN TO THAT BEAT. It's thee dirtiest beat I've thrown up here in a while. This is comparable to an Aoki song. Hellll yesss.

Far East Movement ft. Snoop Dogg - If I was You (Disco Fries Remix)



Okay first of all, the song should be titled 'If I WERE You.' But it's whatever not all musicians can be grammatically correct in their simple song titles... Although these lyrics sound like they were written by a hormonal 14 year old boy, this beat is unreal. Disco Fries have killed it with the songs I've found by them, and this is no exception. This beat is just so exciting! Ahhh it's playing now I can't sit still, I get almost teary eyed because it's just that good. God, I am so dramatic.

Disco Socks - The Brixton Bass Riot



DRUM ROLL PLEASEEEEEE....Introducing to YOU, with honor; Disco Socks. This boy hails from across the pond, someplace in the mysteriously rainy UK. He sent me his music after stumbling across my blog, and man oh man. I am not a huge fan of disco, but this song was playing in my room and my roommate (who has an incredible sense for music) was like "WHO IS THISS I love it!" So I got excited, because I love when people love music I put on in the room when I'm working. Visit his soundcloud page and dive into his other awesome beats HERE.

The Concrete Jungle Has Lost it's Charm.

There is a wonderful feeling I get with certain music. Usually it's when there is a clear opening in a synth explosion and it puts that feeling in my stomach that normal people get when they see someone they like or something, and I notice a smile creep up on my face or I get somewhat teary eyed from the excitement I feel. It's the complete opposite feeling I got when I was depressed and living my other life, where in that case I would hear that magnificent song that put a feeling of lostness and darkness in my soul.
Which do I prefer? Well I've been weighing them over in my head, and I'm confused.
If you haven't realized, the music comparison is a metaphor for...well basically everything in my life. People, cities, schools, jobs.
I've been set on being a writer. Whether I get my books done or writing for music no matter where it is, it's happening. But where?
My whole life I've planned on living in New York City where I am so familiar, getting an apartment with one of my siblings or one of my best friends, working for a record label, dressing myself in my black drapey clothing and covering my anxiety by my stone face as a shield to blend in with the other fast pace city kids who are all so angry and struggling on the inside. The music scene is kicking hard, it's easy to find someone to have an intellectual conversation with about the Kerouac novella or Plath poem I just finished while diagnosing the authors mental problems and relating it to our own. And for some reason, as populated and crowded as NYC is, it's also probably the loneliest place I've ever been. I've never felt so exhilarated or alone in all of my life. And for what? To be worn out at the end of the day and try to figure out what the hell I am doing busting my ass for no ones approval and higher levels of anxiety. I would be happy one day going to a concert with Linz, and then back in depression mode when the thrill was over.
This year is the first full school year where I didn't need to run to my computer to email my therapist to set up a Skype session. I was truly happy for once. Was it the change of scenery? I don't know. I think meeting girls that I get along with so well, living in constant sunshine, being surrounded by educated people while also not having to stress about the rapidity of the city and understanding that you can have a life without being in the center of all of the madness.
There is something about Atlanta and NYC that I loved so much. It was this brush with fame and avant-garde lifestyles; whether it was getting drunk with some of the hottest asian indie band boys or texting R&B artists about getting a job with Chromeo's manager, sitting next to Chuck Bass at Avenue or smoking with DJ Sega after the MDBP, it's all false to me now.
I think i can honestly say that. It's fun, it's fast, it's exciting, but it's not for me. The anti organization and pro equalization of EVERY last idea is not something I can do anymore. I can't act like these people don't cripple me with anxiety over every last thing, from what I'm wearing to what I believe in or what I eat...
For some reason since I've been living in Florida I have been nothing but happy. I used to hear people say that sun and sand cures any disease, and you know what, at least for me, it does. I'm not anxious here. Sure I miss having live music at my disposal and temporarily modeling for the newest photographer in Brooklyn, but I can't do it anymore. It's not healthy for me.
This is. Being in a healthy relationship with my friends and a boyfriend that's centered around God and going to a school equivalent to NYU (that happens to have a harder Lit department, according to a professor who no longer teaches at the pretentious New York University) and not worrying about trying to compete for a better job in music or fashion that literally kills the hardworking souls that serve the artistically reigning gods.
I think I need the sun. And by sun I mean I need to be happy, and being near the sand, water and sun instead of the cold, concrete, miserable isolation.
I will continue on my search to be the best music critic in the world, but I think I'm gunna have to do it on the outskirts of America.
I'd rather being stable and healthy over stressed and insecure.

It's really nice to be able to breathe.


And then I look at pictures of our art walks, live shows, central park walks, pretentiously overwhelming sense of style that my family has been so gifted with and I want to go back to the city and be one with the wandering souls that surround me.

And then we lose ourselves in pretty thoughts and forget that reality is sublime...