Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I'm always in this twilight

Worst feeling in the entire world = feeling uninspired. I had so much I wanted to write about today, but as I sit on the couch thinking about anything and everything that makes me miserable, it's hard to put the better part of my mind in words. All I can think about is how lonely I feel right now, how much I'm dying to have things be okay.
Today when I took the little girls that i nanny to the pool, I had a very interesting encounter with a girl that I was very tight with in my early years of highschool. How amazing it felt to see a girl living in this town who was just as dark and depressing as I am is unbelievable. The amount of excitement I felt knowing she was going through something just as similar as I am is probably quite unhealthy. But as I was sitting in the sun today for hours and hours, I felt the repercussions of growing up. Listening to my long lost friends turmoils, and reciprocating with my own, then watching the kids running and laughing and being joyful and happy and knowing that their biggest care in the world was whether or not they were going to be allowed to have desert that night. UGH it killed me. How did it happen that I grew up getting less decent? It makes me mad, yes, but I suppose it makes me who I am.
Anyway, seeing this beautiful soul today made me realize something. Those of us who tend to lean towards the negative and feel as though we have no outlet, we HAVE to help them find an outlet. Thank God I found mine in writing. Best therapy there is. I believe that writing or art, or ANY outlet in the world (thats healthy) will save you from the despairing pessimism that eats so many of our minds.
Let's start a movement. To anyone who is living in the twilight, entering the darkness, write. Let it out. Escape the surface and go deeper, into your mind, into your blank pages. Encourage writing for everyone. Please.


  1. I completely agree, which is one of the reasons I just started my blog. I'm attempting to create somewhere where the thoughts going through my head are expressed and accepted. Your blog actually inspired me to do this as it has inspired me so much in the past. You may be dark and depressing sometimes but everything you say has truth to it and makes sense. You have something to say, which is what I'm going to try with my blog...quite difficult. Keep posting girl, your words are amazing.

  2. Allie I love you and I miss you and I'm worried about you...I need to talk to you...please call me??

  3. B: I'm so glad that you can connect with my writing! Starting to write about emotions is most definitely hard at first, it's very hard to be vulnerable for everyone to see. Remember that you are unique, and that you have to please NOONE except yourself, and God. I've learned that those are the only two people you can rely on in life. Write it out, lady. Write it all out.

    Ash- I currently have no cellphone, no facebook. Email me. I miss you so much and have way too much to fill you in on. COntinue to pray for me. --> email me.