Crippling Thoughts

My mind has been everywhere the past couple of weeks. School is kicking my ass, graduation is coming up, my future is drawing near, ...and I have a boyfriend, on top of it all.
I'm fearful of graduation. I've finally come to a point in my life where I understand that I can grasp information. I'm not intelligent, but I can get there. And now it's ending. What happens if I forget everything I've learned? That terrifies me.
I wish I had a growing mass of pretense like everyone else here.
Or,
I wish I could trade something for intelligence. My looks, perhaps. Then maybe people would take me seriously, especially when I argue my feminist views. Perhaps if I looked like a Peta loving lesbian then maybe people would listen to what I say.

But this isn't the case.
...Perhaps maybe, the juxtaposition of my blonde hair, slightly large chest and opinionated nature will throw people off.

Ah, which brings me to my next point. I went with my friend who got a tattoo the other day, and as I was waiting in the foyer of this tattoo shop, I opened up a Playboy. (Sorry mom) But I was curious! The only one I had ever seen was one my friend kept on her night stand and it was from like...1960, so it was way vintage. Anyway, I was so disappointed in it. I'm about to get a little vulgar here, so pardon me, but it seemed like an anatomy book to me. Exposition of your entire female body, knowing that some 42 year old sweaty slob is getting off to it in the basement of his house, OR the classified Wall Street business man is doing the same, while his wife is cooking him dinner. Someone explain to me the good that comes from this, because I'm having a hard time seeing it.
Not only that, but the complete exposition of the body isn't sexy. Pictures of woman clothed with a sense of something showing is so much better. Because then you have something left to the imagination, if you put it all out there in tacky ways that Playboy does it, you just look like a ho. Who I then feel really bad for because you must have not had good influences in your life and you are trying to get appraisal from anyone who comes along.
You know?
It's sad.

I have also been thinking about what the hell has happened to me since I've come to this school. Mostly, this semester, and even closer, since I've had this boyfriend.
I'm wearing magenta tonight to a formal dance.
1) I'm going to a formal.
2) My dress is magenta.
I have a Colbie Callaititiat or however you spell her name song in my iTunes that I sing along to, I wear less makeup, I smile here and there, and I'm doing well in school.
Whatthehell.
I'm slowly turning into a borderline normal person, and some of it is a little bit uncomfortable. Now that I think about it, I'm losing all of my street cred. Nobody finds me intimidating anymore, and everyone see's through my comfort.

Dammit Eric. And damn you Ave Maria University for the wonderful friends I've been able to make, your professors who I can sit and talk with for hours on end at the pub, and your education which has helped me so much in my life.

Thank You, God, for allowing this to happen.

Oh my God. OH MY GOD, revelation. Good does come from bad.
Bad doesn't always come from good.

There goes about 40% of my posts.