i wish the amount of stress that is crushing my body would go away. not knowing where to go to school, to work, not having money...its all weighing down on me tons and tons. but i keep getting this idea in my head like, who cares if i know where im going right now in my life? why do i need a path? i was watching alice in wonderland yesterday, and theres a scene where alice starts to cry because the path she's following starts to disappear. a broom dog comes and sweeps it away from right under her feet. now where does she go? she has nothing to follow. part of my mind thinks that that is okay. i know tons of people who just live for the moment, they have no commitments, and they act like their job is just to enjoy life. i could do that. i would have no problem living day to day working random jobs, just living life to have a good time.
as i keep reading 'on the road', it doesnt fail to remind me of some friends i used to have who i feel live the life that sal lives in the novel. they have no commitments. they cant, because it will interfere with the life they want to live. nothing is set, every day is a new day, and there is nothig to worry about. nobody to hurt, nobody can hurt you, and noone can blame you for anything. you can drink and dance and sing all you want all the time, every day, and its amazing. meeting people and and getting involved in relationships that end so suddently, its all really beautful at first...well, i have no job, now i have no school, and i feel like i should live this life too. its a carefree happy view on living, but there is something in me that sees it as empty...
i suppose its because ive tasted this life before, and as much fun as it is, i cant help myself from wanting something that's not constantly in flux. to me it got old. i loved having a good time constantly, but the love shared between others became falsified, because i guess i actually loved them. i have a problem where i tend to think my friends feel the same way i do about them, but, that tends not to be the case, unfortunately. and i realized that even though people can act like you are way important to them, you realize that you cant be. they are always changing location, opinion, ideas, (which is great!), but i guess its just not for me. and even though im at rock bottom, i want to have a plan. i dont need one now, i dont need a set path, but i need something stable. and the only thing that has stayed stable in my life so far is trusting in myself. i will get myself out of this shit hole life has so graciously put me in, and im going to start figuring out my plan.
jack: you have great ideas. you are seeing life through a different set of eyes, i wish i could join you on your instable journey, but i cant. i will finish reading you with an open mind and heart, and when i finish, i know i will miss you.