Sunday, April 11, 2010

well, im on some road...

i wish the amount of stress that is crushing my body would go away. not knowing where to go to school, to work, not having money...its all weighing down on me tons and tons. but i keep getting this idea in my head like, who cares if i know where im going right now in my life? why do i need a path? i was watching alice in wonderland yesterday, and theres a scene where alice starts to cry because the path she's following starts to disappear. a broom dog comes and sweeps it away from right under her feet. now where does she go? she has nothing to follow. part of my mind thinks that that is okay. i know tons of people who just live for the moment, they have no commitments, and they act like their job is just to enjoy life. i could do that. i would have no problem living day to day working random jobs, just living life to have a good time.
as i keep reading 'on the road', it doesnt fail to remind me of some friends i used to have who i feel live the life that sal lives in the novel. they have no commitments. they cant, because it will interfere with the life they want to live. nothing is set, every day is a new day, and there is nothig to worry about. nobody to hurt, nobody can hurt you, and noone can blame you for anything. you can drink and dance and sing all you want all the time, every day, and its amazing. meeting people and and getting involved in relationships that end so suddently, its all really beautful at first...well, i have no job, now i have no school, and i feel like i should live this life too. its a carefree happy view on living, but there is something in me that sees it as empty...

i suppose its because ive tasted this life before, and as much fun as it is, i cant help myself from wanting something that's not constantly in flux. to me it got old. i loved having a good time constantly, but the love shared between others became falsified, because i guess i actually loved them. i have a problem where i tend to think my friends feel the same way i do about them, but, that tends not to be the case, unfortunately. and i realized that even though people can act like you are way important to them, you realize that you cant be. they are always changing location, opinion, ideas, (which is great!), but i guess its just not for me. and even though im at rock bottom, i want to have a plan. i dont need one now, i dont need a set path, but i need something stable. and the only thing that has stayed stable in my life so far is trusting in myself. i will get myself out of this shit hole life has so graciously put me in, and im going to start figuring out my plan.

jack: you have great ideas. you are seeing life through a different set of eyes, i wish i could join you on your instable journey, but i cant. i will finish reading you with an open mind and heart, and when i finish, i know i will miss you.


  1. I can see the merits of not having a path and just letting life take you wherever it pleases. Many have had happy lives that way and I commend them.

    But many, including me, need a path, need stability. I like to see where I'm going. I assume from this post you feel the same way. You could argue that's a boring outlook on life, but I counter by saying that's not just gotta make sure your path in life is the scenic route.

  2. oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure. keep your head up, let the road come to you. the second you try and take control you lose control. peace and love.

  3. as much of a free spirit that you are.. I believe that you are one to truly flourish when you know the plan. your life right now is most certainly without a plan.. however that doesn't mean that there's nothing to look forward to fact, if you have hit rock bottom.. things can only go up from here. And amidst a life that is changing and unknown.. know that I am here for you. no matter the situation. no matter what.
    love you.

  4. Providence has brought me to this page. Not but two days ago I was pondering these exact questions. True I am only a freshman in college but is it ever to early to desire knowledge of my future path? Must we always satiate that desire of an interior control freak, wondering what we should be doing at every second of our lives?

    Your thoughts have been beneficial in my struggle! There are pros and cons to both sides leaving them just as mysterious and unknown.