My mom read my blog today and proceeded to tell me that I'm once again putting out an image that's not me. I don't know if that's true or not. I really don't. I get so mad and complain all the time about people judging me and misunderstanding me when the truth is...I don't know myself. I always think I get close to finding myself, and knowing what I stand for, but I don't. I suck just as much as anyone else, the only difference is that I'm vocal about it.
I've been scared about moving because I feel like because I won't be in a big city, I'll lose inspiration, musical influence, musical surroundings, style, and everything else I surround myself with. But maybe I'll find God. And myself, or something. Maybe moving to this state where paradise seems like the answer, maybe it will be for me. Maybe it'll calm me down, maybe I need to step away from cities and music and scenes that aren't good for me. Maybe I'll stop disappointing people, myself...and everyone I come into contact with. Yeah I know I've heard it 3 million times, I have so much handed to me, I can do so much. "I'm so much prettier than what I make myself look like." Well maybe I don't want to be pretty. Maybe I want people to leave me alone so I portray an image that's not me because I'm insecure about who I really am. Maybe I'm sick of getting taken advantage of. Maybe I want to be taken seriously. Maybe everytime I hold back to someone and then I let them in, I get shit on. Maybe that's happened more than enough times. Maybe I'm sick of everything. Maybe I'm sick. Maybe I have no idea what I'm doing. Well I don't do anything. And I don't know why. I've tried, but nothing works out. I always get myself into trouble. Maybe removing myself from the life I've created for myself will be decent for me. I'm going to miss so much.
...But then again I've messed up so much, so maybe I'll have nothing to miss.
New life, get ready for a tornado of blonde and black.