"The only way to be perfect is to allow chaos and madness into your life."
- Darren Aronofsky.
I read this in an interview with Natalie Portman in the latest Vogue. And it hit such a chord with me.
I saw Black Swan (Aronofsky's latest film including schizophrenic ballerinas and eating disorders galore) and it was one of those movies that when I walked out of it, I thought I was Nina (Portman's character in the movie.) There is something deep and dark about ballet that most people aren't aware of. It's a continuous battle with yourself. Your weight, your height, your posture, your technique, your flexibility, and quite frankly...your beauty. Aronofsky portrayed the forbidden side of it perfectly in the movie.
"When Nina becomes the swan in the movie, it's the kind of transcendent self loss that only artists know." - Vogue. Maybe this is what attracted me. There IS a self loss and self denial that artists know, and up until now it has done nothing but silence me. Everyone that I have become somewhat close to has forbidden this sense of self loathing, because they don't understand. They think that we're being too dramatic, that we can't control our emotions. This is what makes me write. This is what creates art. This is what inspires musicians. This IS my sense of transcendence. Accept it in us, it's what makes us, US.
I don't know what it is that I give off, that makes people want to silence me. But I suppose it's the previous.
I've had enough of it, and you know what? I have a voice, and no matter what YOU think should come out of it, I'm going to use it.