I went on a retreat this weekend. I first decided to go because my mother offered to pay me if I went, but then I realized that it has been a while since I've retreated and been in touch with my spirituality. So I decided to go, and as I walked onto that bus all I could think about was how random this group of girls and guys was. Seven girls, all from different groups of friends at Ave, and I had no idea what the retreat was about.
'Catching the flame' was the title of the retreat I learned once I got there, and it's main focus was how to turn away from despair and depression and embrace your suffering.
Ironic? Nope, just God working severely for all of us.
It started off okay, kinda awkward...and then one night as all the girls were in their cabin getting ready for bed, one of the girls started talking about this relationship she was in, and she was SO hurt and upset because the love of her life had just broken her heart. Now, we all know from my constant bitching that I have been there plenty of times before, so I joined in the conversation and decided to put in some advice. My advice led to a story, and a story led to me pouring my soul out to these girls. I hadn't told anyone at Ave about my past, I loved having a clean slate here, but for some reason I knew that I needed to tell these girls. My story led to the next girls story, and the next, and the next...and so on. Every single one of those girls was hurt more than you could imagine. Every single girl couldn't forgive the people that hurt them, or themselves. Me included. But through this new friendship and through the Blessed Sacrament, and Jesus being exposed to us, we all developed this incredible strength and power to forgive the bastards that have too seriously damaged our minds, bodies, and souls.
I will remember this weekend forever, because it was the first time I actually let myself cry about what has happened, and find it in myself to let go of everyone I held so much anger towards. I forgave myself, too, which I haven't been able to do in forever. I had so much pent up guilt and anger towards myself for what I put my family and friends through this summer. I am so sorry. But now, I kind of feel free. And like I'm honestly almost crying as I write this because every single one of those girls is so, so incredibly beautiful, inside AND outside, and I can't thank God enough for bringing us all together. We all needed it so much.
Which brings me to my next point. Why do I love so much the comfortability of being depressed, when I can be so happy in the presence of Jesus and Mary. I don't know.
But I do know that from this day forward that I am going to stop selling myself short, because as much as I seriously suck as a person, I deserve a hell of a lot better than what I have been giving myself.