Sunday, February 27, 2011

I'm in the mood where I want to disappear, not tell anyone where I'm going...and just be gone.

It has been forced into my life that feeling lonely is selfish. So I try to kick that feeling when it creeps up on me. Maybe it's the season, .... of 85 degree weather we have down here...I don't know what it is but I want it to go away before I let it get all the way inside of me.

So then you hear the story about how people fill that secret void up with materials, and I try to fill it up with what I've been taught is the right thing, along with what I believe is my right thing. Music, duh. (Cliche? Bite me.) And it works for a couple days, then it get's even lonelier because you are enjoying it by yourself.
And then I miss my family, and my dogs, and my friends up in New York, and I crave the life my Brooklyn Barbie is living right now. And I wish school was over, and Florida didn't exist. And I wish I had a boyfriend even though I know if I did I wouldn't want him anymore. So it begins....
And I wish I looked different, and I wish I never quit ballet, and I wish I still modeled. I wish I was as happy as people I see walking around, or as happy as my sisters and friends. I wish I still had that religious high that I had from the retreat a couple weeks ago.

But then I remember that happiness is an illusion, along with every other emotion that we all want to believe we are feeling. And I become the ever hated deconstructionist, and tell myself that nothing matters, no emotions, or feelings, and that we are all going to change in a matter of minutes. And this feeling is a never ending cycle that eats away at you and then fills itself up again.

And then my music comes on again and I feel all better.

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