being alone with words is dangerous

i've noticed this thing about myself and it's a little bit scary. i'm not quite sure how to handle it, but its consuming me, my time, and my thoughts. i've noticed i've been leaving social gatherings early in time to get home to partake in this new obsession that i have. i read. books. i've never been so into reading in my entire life. but i have become completely comforted by them, soothed by them, and involved in them. nothing to me sounds better than coming home from a 12 hour work day and laying down and reading. all i ever want to do is sit in the park, in the warm days we've been having, and crack open a book and read. i've said no to going out to bars with the like...four people i know in this town, and i am completely comfortable in my nook of the house with my stories. i think a lot of it is because i dont want to deal with the drama and people now that i'm home. being home is hard enough, being away from people sucks, and i used to get depressed from being along all the time, but its so different this time. i love being alone. im working, doing my thing, obsessing over my music, writing my brain off, and reading. it's amazing. and i'm totally fine. it makes going out that much better, and appreciating the city so much more...and i dont know why. like i get a different view on everything after i read a book. my dreams are even more vivid, and my vocabulary becomes so much more extensive. i sort of feel like that cliche lonely gir in highschool who only has her books, and it kind of pisses me off thats how i feel, cause thats super lame, but its true and i can't help it.

i wish everyone would read more, it opens your imagination so much and everything becomes so much more beautiful. my writing becomes so much more articulate, and so much more frequent. then i just get this massive sense of release that i used to get in other ways, worse ways, but this feeling of release is so much better, and so much safer. follow me in my reading journey, friends. meet me under the tree in the park, bring a book, and read. lets all do it together.

this house is not a home

well. im home. i knew it was going to be tough living here, but i didnt realize how much this place just isnt my home anymore. i walk into my house from being picked up from the airport, and my kitchen is completely redone, the dog is like nine feet longer and has this attitude, i cant find any of the spoons or cups, the food is beyond organic, and my brother is almost my height. my mother continues to make rude comments on my wardrobe, and asks who i could possibly be texting at 1 am. i dont belong here anymore, clearly. i hate that i had to move back here. i hate this town, i hate this state. i hate that everything i do gets a comment, everything i wear gets a comment, by a family member, or an old highschool friend i see in town. i need to get out of this place. i feel like alice when she takes the "eat me" and grows a mile tall and cant fit inside the house. ive said before that coming home steals a part of your soul, well, i think it ate the entire thing.

The Glitch Mob - Beyond Monday

i just recently became a fan of this super rad electric trio known as 'the glitch mob'. after hearing 'drive it like you stole it', i immediately became addicted to their dark, danceable beats. this is a brand new video for 'beyond monday', by Brandon Hirzel, and it's fantastic. it's completely mesmerizing, and the lights are insane. it's like a super modern/electric, normal looking human beings version of the blueman group. this video only makes me kick myself for not saving enough money to see them live at coachella...ugh. well, dear friends, enjoy.

THE GLITCH MOB : BEYOND MONDAY from BEMO | Brandon Hirzel on Vimeo.

well, im on some road...

i wish the amount of stress that is crushing my body would go away. not knowing where to go to school, to work, not having money...its all weighing down on me tons and tons. but i keep getting this idea in my head like, who cares if i know where im going right now in my life? why do i need a path? i was watching alice in wonderland yesterday, and theres a scene where alice starts to cry because the path she's following starts to disappear. a broom dog comes and sweeps it away from right under her feet. now where does she go? she has nothing to follow. part of my mind thinks that that is okay. i know tons of people who just live for the moment, they have no commitments, and they act like their job is just to enjoy life. i could do that. i would have no problem living day to day working random jobs, just living life to have a good time.
as i keep reading 'on the road', it doesnt fail to remind me of some friends i used to have who i feel live the life that sal lives in the novel. they have no commitments. they cant, because it will interfere with the life they want to live. nothing is set, every day is a new day, and there is nothig to worry about. nobody to hurt, nobody can hurt you, and noone can blame you for anything. you can drink and dance and sing all you want all the time, every day, and its amazing. meeting people and and getting involved in relationships that end so suddently, its all really beautful at first...well, i have no job, now i have no school, and i feel like i should live this life too. its a carefree happy view on living, but there is something in me that sees it as empty...

i suppose its because ive tasted this life before, and as much fun as it is, i cant help myself from wanting something that's not constantly in flux. to me it got old. i loved having a good time constantly, but the love shared between others became falsified, because i guess i actually loved them. i have a problem where i tend to think my friends feel the same way i do about them, but, that tends not to be the case, unfortunately. and i realized that even though people can act like you are way important to them, you realize that you cant be. they are always changing location, opinion, ideas, (which is great!), but i guess its just not for me. and even though im at rock bottom, i want to have a plan. i dont need one now, i dont need a set path, but i need something stable. and the only thing that has stayed stable in my life so far is trusting in myself. i will get myself out of this shit hole life has so graciously put me in, and im going to start figuring out my plan.

jack: you have great ideas. you are seeing life through a different set of eyes, i wish i could join you on your instable journey, but i cant. i will finish reading you with an open mind and heart, and when i finish, i know i will miss you.

Diplo vs. Sunday Girl-Four Floors / The Glitch Mob-Drive it Like You Stole It

it's 3:17 am, on spring break in florida, and i am spending my nights reading 'on the road', and raping music blogs for new music. not your typical spring break... well, here are some gems i found. cheers.

Diplo vs. Sunday Girl-Four Floors


The Glitch Mob-Drive it Like You Stole It

thank youu beemp3.com

Laidback Luke - Till Tonight (Original Mix)

"one thing bout music, when it hits you feel no pain"...only thing that can come to mind for an intro to this song. love laidback luke remixes. enjoy.

the forcing of change

welp. ive hit rock bottom, kids. the entire student body of my college received an email yesterday telling us that our school went bankrupt and we have until wednesday to move out. ...happy spring break to us. im at a point right now where normally i would cry writing this, but because of all the extreme shitty things ive been finding out...im like numb to everything. really shady money dealings, having to move back north 2 months early, finding jobs, finding a damn school to go to for my LAST damn year of college...anxiety is back in full. just when i thought i found a place i thought i loved, a place i thought i could call home. welcome back, panic attacks. no school. no money. negative x amount of friends. no job. well, i can continue to have a completely negative attitude about this and talk about how now i have nothing in life going for me....which would be so comfortable for me, but im not going to.

maybe, JUST maybe, this is going to be a really good opportunity. im not quite sure for what...but maybe this will open other doors? im almost depressed that i am being forced to leave atlanta, but maybe this is a blessing in disguise. maybe this will be better for my mind/body/soul. maybe not having anything stable in my life...except half a handful of humans...will force me to learn more about myself because, once again, ill be by myself. i dont want to stress. i really do not want to. maybe that was all the time i was supposed to spend there. i had my fun. i realized its not a place i want to be forever...i strayed from God. i realize i need Him. UGH i dont know what i need. i dont know anything now. back to square one.

to a select group of people from atlanta & scc (you know who you are), ill miss you, i love you, and i thank you for everything youve done for me. goodbye for now, i hope to see you in the future.

easter break

so for the beginning of my spring break, i went to peachtree city to stay with my best friends extended family. i love them like my own. i had a wonderful easter with my best friend and cousins. we even got to spend one day in the park, it was lovely.

//synth magic//

okay, so ive been in kind of a really shitty mood recently, and the only thing making me smile lately is music. of course. but not just any music, the type of music that runs through my entire body. the type of music that keeps my heart beating. the explosion of synths in these few songs is abosultely incredible. itll make you stop breathing for a minute, until it just forces you to dance. please let them get into you.


Florence+The Machine-Dog Days Are Over (Breakage Remix)


Tiesto feat. Jonsi-Kaleidoscope

first time i heard this song, i cried. no joke. and its with jonsi, the lead singer of sigur ros, so the iclandic vocals / sythns just eat you alive.


Animal Collective-In The Flowers


all made possible because of beemp3.com

friendships of utilities

its unfortunate, when the time comes and you realize that some people in your lifes journey, ends now. its a shame when you learn that most of your friends are what aristotle would call "friendships of utilities". you've been used, and you were just thought you were close because you had a good time while with them. the worst, is when you come across people who are about 5 years your senior, and they still have about 10 years maturing to do. you do your thing, you think its all great, but then wait a minute...you realize that people can be manipulative, lying wastes of life. people become intimidated of girls who know what they want, have an education, and arent afraid of confrontation. once they realize that whatever game they had planned to play has been blown, they immediately become quick to be the hugest ass hole they can...but guys, we see through that too. its a defense mechanism. (and...a little embarrassing to say the least). listen, i mean i know i happen to be a lot more educated that you, and lets sayyy i have direction, and my youth, but dont take your anger out on me. all i did was trust you, which was a MASSIVE mistake.

what bothers me the most is the manipulation people can be capable of. how do you sleep at night? knowing you led someone to believe you were one thing, when you really are something so completely different? its sad to me. further proves my point that you can only trust yourself. i once heard a dear friend say to me: "i PROMISE by then end of the year i will change your view on humanity." well, dear friend of mine, you did. i realized that everyone is the same. you can tell yourself you are different, that you are a great person, but youre not. youre lost. but you should most definitely find yourself before you wreck anyone elses view on personhood.

i thank you, dear friend of mine, for opening my eyes to what truly had to be seen. it's nothing but time and a face that you lose, i chose to feel it, and you couldnt choose.

you can feed yourself to the wolves, youre doing a good job of it already. <3

greetings, socialist america

WELL my friends, welcome to Soviet America. if you havent heard already, our wonderful government fell through YET again to help the efforts of saving america, and passed the healthcare bill. congrats you dirtbag democrats, you are ruining our country one bill at a time. now im not going to continue to bitch and moan about how this healthcare bill SUCKS, because you should already know that, but instead im going to focus on nancy pelosi's completely unintelligent statements, and the words of our dear president, barack obama. nancy pelosi thought that it would be a good idea to publically announce on friday that "“Today is the feast of St. Joseph the Worker,” “It’s a day where we remember and pray to St. Joseph to benefit the workers of America, and that’s exactly what our health care bill will do.” well, my genius friend, actually, its the feast day of st. joseph, marys husband, you dumb dumb woman. and, dont try to twist your faith around to suit your political beliefs. youre coming across as an idiot, and nothing more.
obama, my beloved socialist, you did your job as perfectly as can be done, sounding just like a typical politician after the bill was passed. all you did was repeat yourself, contradict yourself, then repeat yourself again. i want to point out a couple of things though, do you notice you keep saying "equality of americans", yet, you keep seperating people into categories? i believe you said..."those without insurace, or oridinary people"....hmmmmm....also, i noticed that you said "after all these bills passed (and what not) WE WILL STILL BE STANDING", maybe you will be, but the 'american people' will have either fled the country, or be dead broke, or ... just plain dead.


pray for our country. pray for yourchildren. pray for your life. america is going to hell.

Tiga-What You Need

a little old, but still amazing. tiga's 'what you need', is not only an enigmatic display of electro madness, but it also has a morbidly enticing video to pair with. Cassiano Prado directed it, apparantly based off of short poems tiga wrote. interesting. anyways, this song is one of those songs that make me remember to set the world on fire. it just...makes you want to be more bad ass.

the literature of the new age

one of my favorite things to do is go to either borders or barnes and nobles, and just sit there for hours reading random books and poems. so yesterday, my friends and i decided we were in that mood, and we were literally in barnes&nobles until they kicked us out, 2 1/2 hours later. i found the complete works of lewis carrol that kept me occupied for some time, my brother read me a bunch of tim burtons poetry, and i dabbled in some silvia plath as well. it was me and 5 other guys, and we all were in different sections, finding interesting unpopular books, and as soon as we found something worth sharing, wed congregate and have story time. it was a good, good time, i could have honestly sat in there all night long. unfortunately, my tales of this quality time in the bookstore arent all that exemplary.

as i was in the magazine section reaching over some magazines to obtain the NYLON i wanted, i knocked over a maxim. as i picked it up, i noticed that one of the main articles was called "how to cheat and not get caught: 10 of your best tips". well, i thought it was a joke, so i opened to the page...and i could not believe my eyes. it was seriously, 10 tips on how to cheat on your spouse without getting caught. like, it was a legitimate article. HOW TO CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE AND NOT GET CAUGHT. did you hear me? is this seriously the shit that our society is reading these days? not only reading, but DOING?! disgusting. the tips? 1: change your affairees name in your phone book. 2: bang a close employee, not an intern, that way its not suspicious when you two work late. 3: dont date your fling. 4: be reachable, even if its while youre in the middle of cheating. is that enough to get the point across? WHY THE HELL would people publish something like that? is unity and morality seriously THAT DEAD!? now you wonder why im so beyond negative, this is why. right here. i wanted to throw up my gelato that i had just eaten when i read this article. whats even scarier? it was written by a woman. and the sad thing is, is that i would NOT for one second put it past anyone i've dated to read this, and maybe even carry the article in their wallet. sickening. take a look at yourself humanity, look what you have turned into. THIS is the reason why we have no true families anymore. this is the reason why kids getting into porn is not a big deal. this is why women and men are so screwed up and have cracked hearts and heads. this is the reason why God is going to smite us all, like he did sodom and gomorrah. its disgusting, and i want to be as far from it as possible. i refuse to date/trust anyone for...ever.

the other tid bit i noticed is even worse. i was so in the mood to get my hands on some poetry by poe, (just happened to be in a morbid mood last nite, go figure), and i could not for the life of my find the poetry section. as i was walking down the aisles and aisles of the sports and magazine sections, i was starting to wonder if poetry maybe had its own floor. OWN FLOOR?. nope, i found the poetry section, right under the shakespear section, in the back of the massive store, and only about 1/2 of a lower shelf. embarrassing. they had ONE of poe's works. ONE. thats it. they had about 15 books on some baseball and tennis player...but barely any poetry. i finally found some kerouac that satisfied me, but all in all, its sad. whats happening to the world? literature, morality, ...life....it's all being shot to hell. sick.

random lyrical dance i choreo'd

just to show you what i do in my spare time at school. my friend fayth and i dance around and created this in like...an hour and a half. to one of my favorite WHY? songs, Vowels pt. 2. enjoy kids.

modifying the memory

ive realized throughout my life that a lot of times, i stop listening to songs because it will remind of me of some disant memory that will just allow bad/sad/happy memories back in my head. today a song came on my itunes, and its a song that i get an incredible feeling with, but i remembered who shared it with me, and i immediately felt weird listening to it. but then i thought, wait, this isnt fair, i like how this song makes me feel and i cant let a low situation with this person determine what i feel when i listen to a specific song. so today i figured that you can make the song your own. now, i always say to make the music yours, but when it brings back memories or makes you sad, you have the ability to warp the mind to make the song your very own. create a new memory. create a new situation. now, because i happen to struggle with problem a lot, ive created alliterations to help myself do this.
//modify the memory and make the music my own//
//shape the situation and shift the song alongside your soul//

the internal debate between fear and love

so tonite i saw the anticipated alice in wonderland. favorite book, favorite disney movie, favorite director...let down of a movie. it wasnt alice in wonderland, it was through the looking glass, which is fine, but that should have then been the title. johnny depp was a fabulous mad hatter, but the actress who played alice kind of sucked. the red queen and white queen were portrayed well, and i liked how they had the collision of the two, representing good and evil. oh but i wanted to kill whoever decided that playing avril levign at the credits was acceptable..anyway, the point of this post is not to talk about the movie. i had a little bit of a tiny revelation in this movie. alice is independant. she runs her mind, and ends up in a world full of madness where people dont have to understand her, and she doesnt have to understand people. nobody expects anything of her, and she doesnt expect anything of anyone else. its an escape from the outside superficiality into her own mind, which has created its own world, and its wonderful. and as much as i wish that could happen in real life, it can't.

unfortunately, this world is the world we live in and we have to deal with it. people and situations are going to suck, but...i dont know, i guess that shouldnt mean that i have to become bittered and closed off. machiavelli said that its better to be feared than to be loved. i thought i agreed with him. but i dont know anymore. i think my negative attitude have pushed people away, and then i just become more lonely than i already am. maybe the key to finding complete happiness is letting people in, and trusting them. getting hurt is inevitable. but if you dont let people in, you're going to miss all the good things that come along with the bad. the red and the white are going to collide in life, so why waste your time being pessimistic when you could hope? do i want to be the red? living life in fear and letting people fear me? or do i want to be the white, letting people love me, loving them, trusting them, and hoping for the best. i guess it wouldnt hurt trying to be on the white team for once. you can be independant without being cold, and you can be vulnerable without getting hurt.
maybe. we'll see.

The XX-Infinity (Christian TV remix) : Edward Maya ft. Vika Jigulina-Stereo Love

the sun is shining, i'm in a semi-good mood, and i dont know what to do with myself considering i have midterms next week, therefor, im not venturing my way into atlanta this weekend. so i figured i'd listen to some music to get me in the mood for the oncoming warmth we're about to endure. picture yourself driving down the interstate entering beach city, wind blowing through the window and the sense of release you feel as you let the syth take over your mind, body, and soul.

The XX-Infinity (Christian TV Remix)-- you're about to be taken away.


(Edward Maya-Stereo Love)-- this song is beautiful. i dont know what it is about it, the foreign feel to it, or the girls beautiful innocent voice. but let it get to you.

i'm gunna take you the place you've never been before, oh yeah.

today, a relatively new friend and i, (i was so not into talking to her or hanging out with her when i first met her. she was homeschooled, and i knew we would NOT be able to connect. WRONG. baller child. kick ass violinist, and totally open to learning new things because of how sheltered she was...) anyways, we went into town to run some errands, while we were jammin to some ace of base, (hence the title of the post) i was wondering why she wasnt singing along. everyone knows ace of base. so i asked her and she told me that growing up, she wasnt allowed to listen to music.
i repeat.
she WASNT ALLOWED to listen to music. WHAT. how is that even legal? she was only allowed to listen to gregorian chant. WHAT. seriously, i couldnt speak for about 2 minutes. how can you not let your children listen to music? how are they ever going to find an outlet to express themselves? this is nothing more than a complete rape of childhood expressionism. i cannot even FATHOM not being allowed to listen to music growing up. that's all my parents did! i know for a fact that i would not be the person i am today if it wasnt for the music i was exposed to at a young age. my dad was hardcore into classic rock, loverboy, quiet riot, and all that good rediculous hair band guitar ripping. my mother was more refined with her broadway, but had a complete obsession with journey. my oldest sister exposed me to nirvana when i was super young, which led me to find my obsession with system of a down and that whole genre, and the other sister, who was a broadway kid, helped me appreciate fabulous voices, and going to all of her auditions and shows is probably the reason why i know how to sing. my brother helps me in the techno area, and my baby brother loves jazz. the exposition of different music growing up is essential to one's complete formation of the person they become. one thing my parents always did was encourage music. even in highschool, i would come home, go to my room, shut the door, shut off and just listen to my music. music was my only escape in a lot of situations i dealt with. how can a person not know or be ALLOWED to have that right? how can you tell a human NOT to express themselves through the beauty of music. it's honestly unreal to me. it's almost abusive. no, it is. i feel exactly how i felt when i found out that that family with like...20 kids on tlc dont let their children dance. dont. even. get. me. started.

the reason i love this child so much is not only because shes hilarious, fun, and her and her best friend are way cool now that i put aside my stubborness and actually got to know them (and major bonus: they live upstairs and feed me), but its because i now feel as though i have a responsibility to show her a whole new world that she wasnt exposed to when she was younger. it's my job. i know it is. sure, i know im supposed to spread the faith, and she totally helps ME in that area, but i now have a duty to open her mind even more then her books have, and get her to see a side of herself she can only find in music.

don't worry, ill save you.

Inna-Hot

i can NOT stop listening to this song. it makes me want to go out and dance crazy all night/day/week/forever long. i dont know if it's the beat or her really unique voice, but this song pulls my heart down into the floor and i just can't help but dance. she has two videos for it, too. i personally enjoy the play & win club version because i feel as though it should be me dancing in it. anyways, enjoy my friends. dance.

DJ Maggie-Paris Blah Blah

this is fun. fun song. fun mashup. fun fun fun. kesha, im indifferent about you, you sold out a little bit. i noticed that your hair is brushed, and dyed slightly blonder. you were cool cause you looked like me, but...i dont know how if i can condone your new found diva ways. and your voice is kind of obnoxious. whatever, you're fun to watch. anyways, its dj maggie's straight mashup of dj infernal's 'paris to berlin' and ke$ha's blah blah blah. they fit so well. makes you wanna dance. and dj maggie's mashes are sooo killer. here is her blog. http://djmaggie.blogspot.com/

Paris Blah Blah from dj maggie on Vimeo.